Color of the World

“Autism is an important influence in my life.
The hardest part is not being able to talk.
God must have been out of voices when he made me.”

– Jeremy Sicile-Kira

The One that got away

Remember how we used to look at each other?
Remember the shallow breaths and stolen kisses?
Or the time we danced in the street and i all i saw was you
Did you know your the only one who makes me laugh genuinely?
Remember the late nights and the conversations until dawn?
Remember whispering sweet nothings while holding me.
"You always fit me" you said.
We were so close but oh so far.
Remember we grew up and changed
Remember those stolen kisses were given to another?
I remember you were always there
Screaming fights, tears, in the end it was still love.
Remember i left you that December day?
Did you know i'd regret it forever?
Remember the birthday cake?
And the morning coffee.
Remember the Rose?
Did you know i still have it?
Remember the rooftop?
and the half built houses
Remember the wash?
and you said it would be okay to jump.
You'd catch me if i fell.
Remember the black lighters?
and the after sex cigarettes.
Remember the engagement?
and how it broke
Did you know i never wanted that to shatter?
Remember how you always listen?
and how you still.
Did you know the bad parts of the past never mattered?
But for everyone else it does
Remembered we shared everything?
Did you know i still think we do
Remember the last time i saw you?
and how it was a secret
Did you know all i wanted was you?
Remember how i was your muse?
I want to be the girl in your songs
Did you know my heart melts when you play?
Did you know deep down i'm still your milk machine girl?
Did you know i'm still very much in love with you?
Now let me ask you one last thing
Will you be my wonderwall?

Throwing Chocolates at the Television

Who even came up with the idea of heartbroken girls eating ice cream and watching movies like The Notebook and The Way We Were. I mean someone had to start the trend and deemed it good enough or else girls wouldnt use it as a gateway for healing. In reality it does nothing but give you calories and false hope that that is how things are "supposed" to be. I don't think i will ever understand those movies. Love doesn't turn out like fairytales. The movie Twilight made it even worse. I mean come on the perfect guy who will and can give you the world on a silver platter and is just all around infatuated and flawless. We are all cosmicly warped to think that the laugh, the hair twirl, the clothes, the make up all of that gets us the guy we want. I on the other hand, just need to put my love into something thats not me. A pet, a project, or the worse one, a man. Its my guiltiest pleasure and my biggest downfall. How will i ever solve this reoccuring dilemma? I could eat my feelings or become the crazy cat lady everyone loves to taunt. Those aren't problems they are seemingly efficent solutions. I hate him but cant help but love him. Its the little things that draw us in and keep us there. They're smile, they're laugh, just about anything that makes your heart melt. Its the same thing for everyone. We all love it. We all hate it. We all bitch about. Its a different experience for us all but we all cant live without it. How do i keep myself back when he's unknowingly pulling me in.

Letting him have his cake and eating it too.

Its weird to think how with each passing day i learn more about myself and how i am with people. I dont want to be predictable and i dont want to be "that girl" for whatever reason. How can I be happy in a relationship anymore? I've tried compromise, putting all in and now i fold. I'm all out and I quit. Not with life but growing in love. I'm not the right girls for relationships in general. How can someone love me for who I am, when i dont even know? I'm coming to every realization and every epiphany possible but I'm still not listening. Sure the solution would be to listen, but I dont think everyone understands that YOU are the hardest person to listen to. Whether it's your heart, mind, or will. Nothing is easy. How can I be better for someone else is my constant thought. Never how to better myself. Like a perfect example. Today i got a cat. Stray, lovable the works. Since my boyfriend isnt affectionate i thought i could channel it through an affectionate animal. My boyfriend on that note, can't stand cats. Why did i get one then after everything i just said about making other people happy? I was faintly attempting to do something for me. Needless to say we he came home and found little Jasper he wasn't too thrilled. My first thought was to get rid of him. I didnt stick to my guns and it shouldn't be like that at al for anyone. From one life trainee to another. Please stay true to yourself or you will lose it. You and everything else. P.S I still the have the Cat but now I'm now im in the rocks with love. There's no winning just constant racing.

Life thought of the moment

How do we know when to learn and when to discard information? Sometimes i shut out things that are told to me and later realize that they were indeed influential. I wish i could learn the ropes before the fact of being in the lion's den. Its the little things that upset me nowadays like the lack of a kiss goodbye or putting too much thought of how my day at work went. It feels good and a nice change of pace to actually have believable goals and working towards them. We all want to grow up but don't appreciate the true golden years of no worries and cherubic innocence. True my life could've taken a whole new path if i tweaked decisions but then i think "Would i be who i am today?" Everyone has sad stories and anecdotes. But what you take away from them is the real story. Heed advice and stay true to yourself. I always used to think that if i just got married and had kids my life would be somewhat complete. I never had a thought about a true career or my destined path through life. These are the years i should be focusing on that. Or so society "discreetly" implies. Now i'm just rambling. But random thoughts are the best. They're true. Im not about going about to impress or awe. Im new to the whole "blog scene" right now im just using it for an online journal. Signing off with this thought for the moment.

Love: Helpful or Hopeless?

Ive never quite understood love. I always thought Id be the girl to fall in love, get married, and be swept off my feet all together on Prince Charming's horse. I have never been more wrong. Its more of a job then anything. Compromise, trust, communication. Its another thing you have to work at and not screw up in your life. Why can't humanity have this one thing that's a given. Sometimes it's begged for, asked for, or just happens in general. And the majority we dont even know what we're signing up for! I've come to terms with the fact that ive sold my soul to love. Its impossible for me to be single and quite frankly i don't even know who I am anymore. I engulf myself in my signifigant others livelihood and in the process, lose myself. (If i was even there to begin with) It's a raunchy way to go through life but i'm stuck in this constant fairytale that i wouldn't wish for anyone else. So is love really healthy when we're all raised in a world where we come into the world crying, cold, and alone? That's all my thoughts on love for the current moment. Trust me this being a huge aspect in my growing life this topic won't be forgotten